"How could you"? It was a question he pondered
for the remainder of his life. He didn't know the answer. Larry
remembered his crime 'through a glass darkly' as a horrified and
incredulous observer of it, rather than as a participant, much
less a perpetrator. He felt compelled, totally out of control.
A diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, with a penchant for psychotropics,
methamphetamine, and the occult, he was a disaster waiting to
happen. His family knew it.
Larry was a product of Texas in all its glory.
He was a confused, brilliant and psychically open kid, looking
outside his family's Church of Christ faith and the established
norm for answers he couldn't find. Having ripped his already-afflicted
mind open with hallucinogens and acid rock, he wanted to find
out more about the "spirit world".
I have seen so many kids like him in Texas. Bored
with the confines of a Christianity that offers no satisfactory
explanation, disillusioned with a rigid social structure that
conflicts so sharply with the Gospels to which it supposedly adheres,
small-town Texas is a lonely place if one dares to think "outside
the box". Larry, attuned to something he could not explain, explored
psychic phenomena in dangerous and unhealthy ways. He was fascinated
with the occult, and with exhibiting paranormal ability. It is
my belief that Larry was, in fact, in possession of a psychic
gift-- an ability to communicate without using words, which developed
into a deep talent for understanding the unspoken. I am not the
only person who knew him who thought so. He was uncanny. He
was a highly intuitive man, and as he grew older and his mind
became more clear, this talent increased. I believe that Larry
possessed a psychic skill that is inherent in the bloodline of
many peoples of indigenous descent, like the Celts.
Although modern Eurocentric culture seems woefully
unaware of it, most Europeans including Germanic, Scottish, Irish,
British and French peoples -to name a few European ethnicities--
lived in tribal units, much like the Native American nations.
They had developed religious structures that had a place for individuals
who displayed behavioral eccentricities or psychic ability. Perhaps
they even had schools like the Tibetans where children were trained
from an early age in the ways of their religion. Had Larry been
born in a time before standardized western Judeo-Christian belief
had become the established societal norm, he might have been trained
as a shaman within his tribe-a seer. At the earliest sign of his
paranormal ability, he might have been shown how to develop and
cope with what we call his "illness" as a gift.
We can look at our distant ancestors and dismiss
the existence of the medium or seer as ridiculous, primitive,
superstitious. We give no credence to how seriously these individuals
were revered in these cultures. We say, "Well, we don't think
like that now. These people need drugs to stop and quiet the
otherworld voices".
There is so much stigma attached to the term "mental
illness" that it is difficult for many of us to recognize the
signs of it in our children despite blaring indications. But to
declare Larry Robison sane at the time of the murders he committed
is to declare the murders the act of a sane man. They were senseless
and out of character.
Despite "how we think" and what we are willing
to accept, thousands of individuals like Larry exist in our society
today. We see them when we're stopped in traffic, muttering to
themselves, walking down the street, seeing and talking to someone
we can't see. Science is determined to convince us that whoever
these people are talking to doesn't exist outside that person's
mind. Religion is determined to convince us that whoever these
people are talking to must be demonic in nature. Between these
two explanations, there is not much resolution for the individual
suffering from these phenomena. Biblical figures like Noah and
Moses come to mind. How would modern psychology have diagnosed
Noah, building an ark because a Voice in his head told him to?
I do not mean to compare Larry to Noah in character--Noah did
not commit brutal murder-but what if Noah had been taken and held
against his will in psychiatric hospitals and medicated? What
if they had told him he couldn't build his ark? It could have
gotten ugly. The coming of the deluge validated Noah's gift.
How many modern-day Noah's don't get their gift validated?
Modern psychology is just that-modern. We have
been established in America--this civilized technological society--
for only about two hundred years. In Europe, the western Judeo-Christian
belief system has been intact much longer, but still, we discount
or erase altogether the worlds and teachings of our ancestors.
We are a society in which the legally accepted substances for
abuse-tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, and sugar-keep us firmly rooted
in the material world, through attachment and addiction. Addicted,
depressed, and dependent, we can take anti-depressants to "fit
in", and feed our children Ritalin to make them "fit in". What
it is that we are fitting ourselves into is another million-dollar
question.
Larry believed in the seen and the unseen worlds.
After his incarceration began, and he had no more access to the
substances that were clouding his mind and exacerbating his condition,
he began to study. He studied systems of religion, a discipline
that fascinated both of us. He also found and took initiation
from Sant Ajaib Singh Ji, a representative of the Master Kirpal
Singh Maharaj. The religion is called Sant Mat, and its lineage
can be traced back to the fifteenth century mystic Indian poet
Kabir. It is founded in Sikhism, though it is not Sikhism. It
is a highly disciplined path, which worked well for him within
the confines of prison life. It promotes vegetarian diet, meditation,
mantra repetition, and the keeping of a daily introspection diary
in which one records the transgressions of the mind throughout
the day. It proposes the Asian concept of Karma to explain actions
in this life that cannot be explained rationally or scientifically.
The understanding of the Karmic Laws brought peace to Larry's
mind through its principles of action and reaction through many
lifetimes. According to this philosophical system, Larry and his
victims were part of a larger dynamic system in which their actions
and choices were predetermined by previous exchanges in earlier
lifetimes. This heinous crime by our standards was a balancing
of equally heinous interactions from other incarnations. This
understanding allowed Larry to put his past into a context and
to begin to reclaim control over his actions and to strive for
a different future of service and sacrifice for others. The diary
and teachings of his Master were central to this introspection
and renewal of his life. How many times today did we allow our
thoughts to succumb to anger, greed, or unchastity? How many
times did we allow our attention to wander from the Good God who
Loves us? How many times today did we not practice brotherly
love? These were now the questions that Larry asked himself hourly
and daily and they helped him become a loving, decent human being.
This belief system became Larry's anchor, his
point of reference, and the standard by which he set the rest
of his life. He maintained this scrupulously for the remainder
of his life. It makes sense that someone who had dived as deeply
into darkness as he had would crave a pristine, pure path of love
and forgiveness. He needed the forgiveness of a pure, loving
being. He found this in the wonderful Indian saint, Ajaib Singh
Ji. Sant Ji was a pure, joyous, innocent, clean soul who taught
His followers by his own living example. He would never have
asked anything of His initiates that He was not willing to do
Himself. When questioned about the difficulties of sitting in
silent meditation, Sant Ji would entertain His initiates telling
stories of Himself as a young man in the army volunteering to
serve on the front lines where death was the most likely result.
He did this, He told us, not out of bravery, but to escape from
having to train His mind to be still and stay focused on God.
I would do anything to get out of meditating". And He would laugh.
Yet this holy man spent 18 years in constant meditation in a small
underground room after leaving all of his worldly possessions
and wealth behind.
In addition to this path, Larry's sharp, inquisitive
mind led him to study complex systems, such as the Judaic Qaballah,
and the works of Nicola Tessla, and John Keeley, which are very
complicated and satisfying to the mind searching for answers.
Larry studied Hinduism, and Tibetan Buddhism as well as correlating
the teaching of Sant Mat with biblical references. He studied
music, and mastered the art of harmonic overtoning. He was a brilliant
student of philosophy, open and daring and explorative. He wrote
copiously and poignantly. He would send me piles of poetry, dreams
to analyze, philosophical meanderings, stories to co-author, all
spattered with cockroach shit. When I would complain about the
filth he would reply, "I killed five people. Isn't that enough
death to be responsible for"? He would not kill a cockroach once
he entered prison.
He endured stoically the conditions of prison
life without complaining or even revealing the extreme squalor
of it to his family. We never knew that he showered in chains.
We never really understood that the cell door openings were not
enough to let much light into, or that the temperature in Ellis
Unit I soars to 120*+ in the summer. He never told us that inmates
in maximum-security prisons become so nature starved that they
tame the mice and rats that visit their cells to be their pets.
He never complained about the difficulties of maintaining a vegetarian
diet in a Texas prison where such ways of life are denigrated
at best. He never complained about any of the deprivations and
degradations-the total dehumanization of living in Hell for seventeen
years. "I put myself here, the only thing left to do is bear
it with dignity." He bore it all with a dignity and a humility
that I have seen only in great spiritual beings. He was so grateful
for every little consideration that was shown to him.
He was so sorry for his crime. I watched him
at the end of his life, endure the pain as his mother's culmination
of grief and rage and frustration overtook her and clouded their
last day together. I would grab a minute with him in between
the explosions and remind him to keep his focus on God. He was
horrified by what he felt responsible for-the anger that divided
his family. Yet throughout the swirling emotions outside the
small visiting cage from which he watched, his faith and inner
peace and loving looks brought peace and comfort to his frantic
family members. Fortunately, they were able to reconcile enough
to have a positive closure with him.
I watched how he swallowed the pain of betrayal
of a supposed "friend" who illegally appointed herself the mediator
and spokeswoman of his victim's families. Using the pretext of
friendship, and in an uninvited gesture this woman sat inside
the prison reading hate messages she had written on her body from
his victim's family members off of her arms and legs to him.
She had had to write these messages on her body in order to smuggle
them in. The prison will not allow anyone but the inmate's attorneys
to read paperwork to them and there is a lengthy and professional
process for remediation of this sort which excludes those not
skilled or credentialed to undertake such a delicate interaction.
Larry did not have to permit her to do this, much less to force
his own family to wait outside the prison while she communicated
venom and unanswerable questions to him on the last day of his
life. Yet, even though he had come to some deeper understanding
of his crime and his relationship to his victims he felt he owed
it to his victim's families to allow them to express themselves
to him in whatever way was conducive to their healing. It was
brutally hard on him. He had been open to victim's reconciliation
for years. However, as the perpetrator, he was not permitted
by law to initiate communication. The victim's families were
not willing to go through the proper channels set up by the prison
to facilitate this, but were coerced into a process through the
initiative of this supposed "friend." What ended up happening
was a missplaced horrific, tragic emotional drain. While he despised
this unprofessional exploitation of the victims themselves, he
felt that he owed the victim's families whatever they believed
would bring closure on their terms. I hope that they are able
to find peace and closure in his responses to their questions,
and with his death. He often said that he would have gladly died
five times for them if he could have. I hope that his "friend"
realizes how invasive and manipulative she was, how she robbed
him and his loved ones of sacred time together, and how deeply
her unprofessional and self involved action in this inappropriate
and destructive last ditch tactic profoundly hurt Larry.
Alone with him at the Walls Unit, in the holding
cell where a condemned man awaits his execution, he fell to his
knees and wept as I quietly watched. He had fasted since January
first in preparation for what he called his "wedding" with God
and he was suffering from the flu. He was not frightened. He
was vulnerable and beautiful as only someone that stands so near
to death can be. His faith in God was an affirmation. I could
hardly see him through the thick mesh screen over the cell bars
and somehow it was perfect. He was a shadow, becoming transparent.
He wanted so much for his spirit to be free of the body. He said
there was no way he could ever have washed the blood of his actions
off of those hands. And he commended his spirit into the waiting
Hands of God willingly.
Larry Robison saved my life. If I had not met
him, I do not know what would have happened to me. He was a living
example of a man who had lost everything in order to find himself.
He was eternally humbled by his awareness of the enormous sacrifice
the victim's of his crime had made of their lives that enabled
him to find God. Because of his willingness to examine his crime
with me, to help me find the God in myself, I have been able to
lead a blessed life. He encouraged me to leave behind drugs,
and abuse and develop my own spiritual nature. He encouraged
me to live my dreams. He was a steady friend. He was genuine.
You could dig and he would not flinch. I am a minister today
because of him. The man that Texas executed on January 21 was
not the same man who committed the crime for which he was sentenced
to death. He had found peace. He had found the ability to forgive
himself, to overcome his self-loathing for the horror of his act.
He firmly believed his Master who told him that "Every Saint had
his past and every sinner, his future." May we all achieve that
level of spiritual awareness. Farewell, my true and trusted friend!
I will always love you. You are the opener of my heart. Thank
you for patience as I struggled to accept you in your entirety,
as a psychotic killer who was transformed into an indescribably
beautiful spiritual being. I will so miss your wonderful letters
filled with love, compassion and wit. I'll see you on the other
side. Put in a good word for us, struggling on this side please.
We need all the help we can get. We are all each other. I learned
that from you. I learned so much from you.
