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Voices From
Victims of Grief
We were walking into the County fair when my significant other was arrested, in front of my 5-year-old son and my almost two-year-old daughter. Before I knew it we were surrounded by countless probation officers and police. My heart sank and I knew I was about to lose a part of me, my partner in life. I looked at John and I told him to keep his calm, although I could see in my son the confusion and the fear of these people attacking his "Daddy." I now sit here, almost 5 months later, wondering if anyone out there understands or even cares what my family has suffered.
John is diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and after pleading guilty to Burglary in the Second Degree as a condition of his plea agreement, he was placed on intensive probation for four years. They did not question whether he was competent to sign the plea agreement nor did they take into consideration an evaluation done by a Psychologist which stated that John would probably not comply with probation due to his mental illness. They had him sign, had him spend 9 months in jail and released him to the community. He took his medication, he went to the programs, he tried to comply with all the guidelines of probation and when he began to de-compensate, he fled. I, who was already involved in his life as his friend, was not surprised due to his mental illness and the fact that mentally ill persons lose control of their illness even if they are complying with their medication. Fortunately, we successfully brought him back in and he was placed on supervised probation with the assistance of a private attorney.
He again complied with treatment and at this time we had become more than just friends. We had a breakup because of personal problems, and although I knew it would hurt him, we parted ways. Although he was obtaining treatment and complying with probation, the break up was too much, he began to lose control of his mental illness and he left probation for the second time. I again became involved in his life and he said to me that he did not want medication because he was not ill. We agreed that he would have a set structure and responsibilities that he would work on. I wanted him to learn to deal with himself and his illness. I placed a man who had been homeless most of his life into a stable home where he had food, clothing and a stable environment. I learned to listen to his cues and knew when he was relapsing. We learned to deal with his illness and I knew that I would get to a point when I could get him back on medication.
Then, out of nowhere, the rug was pulled from under our feet and he was arrested for absconding. At first I was shocked, hurt, and betrayed. Then, I saw again, how right that psychologist was when he said that John could not comply with probation. He should have been evaluated to determine if he was even competent to be held responsible for his actions. However, that was ignored and John was set up for failure since the beginning. He is now facing a sentence of 3.5 years in prison and I had to have my third child by myself two months after he was arrested. I tried to explain to the probation department why he had stopped reporting, why he could not succeed on probation. None of what I said mattered. It did not matter that his diagnosis carries all of the symptoms for which he is being condemned to prison, all the reasons why they feel he is worthy of prison time.
I stopped crying after I realized that my three children still need me. I stopped crying because I realized that John needs me now more than ever to be a voice out in the world to the discrimination towards the mentally ill in our judicial system. They condemn him for having failed to report, although he was complying with all other aspects of probation when he disappeared, but it has been a month and several attempts since I requested a psychiatrist go see John because he cannot eat nor sleep and has had continuous headaches with the medication that was prescribed to him. They want to hold him accountable for being mentally ill and living with his mental illness but when they are told that they may have failed him with their lack of care for his mental health, they turn to us and say that it is our fault.
I see him on visits and each time he falls deeper and deeper into his depression. He could not get up one day because the depression got so bad, so they decided to move him to a unit where they send inmates that are being punished. Before, he would get one hour outside and could call and have visits twice a week. Now, he must request the visits in writing and beg to have the phone brought to him for two hours. When a person loses control of their mental illness, they do not think of filling out forms or being persistent in being allowed to make a phone call.
Where is our system going? Do they not see the harm they are causing. A man who had managed to finally have a secure environment where he had some self respect, was pulled out of his home and he was told that he was to blame for his imprisonment. Some of you may read this and agree that it was his fault but I hope that others will be able to see that this was a clear failure of the system on which we rely each day of our lives. I sit here with my two-month-old son knowing that when "Daddy" gets out there will be much work to be done to repair the damage that prison does to a person, to a family. When my 5-year-old son cries for his father, instead of crying, I get angry because people ignored the obvious. They chose to look the other way and allowed a mentally ill person to continue being victimized. It scares me, to the bottom of my soul, to think that this is the world in which my children will grow up. I sometimes wonder if even I have been destroyed by this ordeal as I fear to leave my home. People make decisions in the lives of others, forgetting the impact that this power has on the family, on the children.
--John-This is your voice
