Please Visit :
Voices From
Victims of Grief
I was
17 years old and had given birth to a baby boy, Caleb, 2 1/2 months
earlier. My fiancé, Patrick, and I had been fighting a lot, so he had
left a few weeks earlier to stay with a childhood friend in a town an
hour from me. We were working out our problems.
On September 12, 1999, I got a call from him. It was collect. I accepted
wondering why he could not just call direct. Before I even got a chance
to bitch at him about calling collect, I heard him say hey to me. I
knew then and there that something was awfully wrong. We had been together
for over a year. Spending every spare moment together. You get to know
a person very well in a short period of time, sometimes.
I told him hey and asked what was wrong. He told me that he was in jail
(Hinds County Jail, Jackson, Mississippi). I asked him what for. It
never crossing my mind that it might be something serious this time.
He told me that he had been charged with capitol murder.
At that moment, my whole world came crashing down around me. I started
to cry and scream and beg God to let him be lying. I knew that it was
true. Even Patrick would not play a joke that dirty. I just did not
want to face the facts. I still do not want to face the facts.
Over the next several months, my phone bill went sky high and I had
spent at least $30 on stamps. I wrote him everyday and he called me
every other day. I was not worried about money though. All I wanted
was to feel close to Patrick.
Today, May 01, 2000, he is still in jail awaiting a trial. It has been
put off and put off. They are working on a plea bargain. His childhood
friend did the actual killing, but Patrick was there and did not report
it. The way the law sees it, he is just as guilty as anybody.
Caleb, our son, is 10 months old. He sees his daddy's picture every
night before bed and every morning when he gets up. I tell him all about
his daddy. Patrick and I are talking on the phone less. The bills got
way to high. But, we still write each other VERY often. At least 3 times
a week, usually more.
If found guilty, IF the plea bargain does not come through, he could
get life without parole or the death penalty. That scares me to death.
But, I have found a new faith in God. Growing up I was always told that
God would never give you more than you could handle. I have come to
believe that. If God thought that I could not handle it, He would have
spared me the pain and heartache that I go through everyday when I realize
that Patrick was not laying beside me during the night. That Patrick
will not ask me for a clean pair of socks. That Patrick and I will not
argue about what is for dinner. It's hard to believe, but YES, I even
miss fighting with him.
There are very few people that can accept the fact that Patrick is my
one and only love. No matter if Patrick spends 3 more days on the inside
or life on the inside, I will be there for him. I love him more than
I love myself.
What hurts the most is not that I cannot have him with me. It is not
he cannot hold me tight. The thing that hurts the most is that Caleb
does not have his daddy here with him. When Caleb crawled for the first
time, about a month ago, I broke into tears. Not only out of happiness
and excitement, but also out of pain and hurt. Pain and hurt that Patrick
did not see his son crawl for the first time.
I will keep you all updated on what happens. Please remember us all
in your prayers.
INMATES ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES DOING TIME!!!!
