Please Visit :
Voices From
Victims of Grief
On August 13th, 1996, my husband waved to my two daughters and me as he drove off to work and never came home again. I got a call from a young girl that afternoon who told me of their affair, laughed when I crumbled, and obviously wanted to destroy my family. I called my husband at work and screamed hysterically about this girl and told him what she had said to me. He couldn't deny it. He simply hung up. In a blind rage, he tracked her down and shot her five times as she sat in her car. I learned the next morning when five patrol cars pulled up in my driveway that my husband had murdered his mistress and was in the Cuyahoga County jail. Overnight, my children and I were shattered beyond belief. The man we loved, built our lives around and trusted was now a murderer in jail. I had no idea of his infidelity. I had no idea of his secrets. The pain was so deep that I put a knife to my wrist one night as my children slept, thinking there was no life for me anymore. They would be better raised by my sister and her husband. God must have reached his hand out to stop me because now, three years later, I see the work he had in mind for my family because of this trauma.
At first, I hated John. The children and I moved from Ohio to Florida and cut all ties with him. But, the hole in our lives where he used to be never went away. It throbbed each day, despite our anger and resentment. The hurt was similar to a death where you have to learn to carry on alone, but death would have been easier. There would have been dignity. There would have been life insurance for the children and me to live on. There would have been a faith in our marriage for me to hold onto. Instead, I was struggling to understand how he could have been unfaithful when we were soul mates for thirteen years, how he could do that to his children and how he could kill someone knowing it would take him away from us for life. Every day grew worse and worse. The questions, the pain, the wounds inside that wouldn't let me sleep or eat. My ten year old daughter and I both ended up taking anti-depressants and still do. We felt very alone and confused. Our lives were forever altered.
One night as I lay in my bed, I prayed. It wasn't something I was used to doing, but my heart was so broken I couldn't bear it anymore. I closed my eyes and folded my hands and begged God for an answer to my pain. I told him I couldn't live this way anymore. I couldn't raise my girls this way. I felt I was going to die a slow death from the wounds my husband's actions caused. Somehow, I fell asleep and when I woke, God provided my answer. I opened my eyes and just knew what to do. I had to forgive my husband. I had to teach the children to forgive. We had to let him back into our hearts again and continue being a family. We sent him a card that day saying "What you did hurt us, but living without you in our lives hurts us more. We love you and forgive you." That opened the door to a very beautiful relationship.
Since that day, through letters and phone calls, we have been sharing our fears, our pain and our tears like never before. John has led us on a journey through his past, showing us what a sick person he was and that his sexual addiction stemmed to his childhood where his mother walked out on him and left a note on the kitchen table when he was seven. The hurts always left him empty. So empty that nothing ever filled that void. Not even in his adult life when he had a family he truly loved and a good job, it still wasn't enough. So, affairs were his temporary high. He was a sex addict and led a double life that he hated himself for. Hated himself so much that when this girl exposed him, he snapped. His rage was like nothing he ever experienced before. He has nightmares about it to this day. He remembers bits and pieces of it and describes it as being outside himself...watching himself from a distance as it happened....feeling unreal. He didn't even know he killed her until the next day when he was served indictment papers in his suicide watch cell. I know he didn't plan it or do it by making a decision. If he did, he would have recalled it, felt inside himself and aware. Still, the courts saw him as someone who just wanted to kill and gave him fifteen to life. Now, our two children and myself are also serving time......time of pain, poverty, depression and abandonment. We may as well be in a cell of our own. We won't be free until he is free.
We visit John twice a year and that is the only two weeks of the year that we are most happy. To touch, to cry, to hug to share is so rare now. So cherished. We are all getting closer than ever. This has taught us so much. Our family is strong and the love between us unbreakable. John has found what he has always hungered for inside when he picked up a Bible in the suicide watch the night he was arrested and began reading. Since then, he hasn't put the book down. He reads, he studies, he practices the word. The hole in his spirit that was left when his mother walked out is now filled with the love of his heavenly father. He is truly a new person. Strong, emotionally healed, longing to help others to avoid the route he had taken. I see in his eyes what a changed man he is. What all this has taught him, but the system only sees him as a number. There is no rehabilitation, no counseling, no chance for him to do any good for society. Just feed him, house him and cage him for the next fifteen years to life. A just punishment in their opinion. Tax dollars well spent.
I sent my husband a card today. It had a picture of a little bear in a big bed with an empty pillow on one side and it said "My bed misses you..." I wrote underneath that I'll be keeping his side warm for him for as long as it takes. In the meantime, we pray and we believe that there will be an end to this suffering and we can have a second chance. I am now getting involved in Prison Fellowship in my church and learning how to help inmates and their families. I urge you to visit their website at www.prisonfellowship.org and learn what kind of support and encouragement there is available. I am also getting involved in their Angel Tree program which delivers Christmas gifts to the children of inmates in their incarcerated parent's name. It helps the healing process to somehow reach out and help others sharing the same pain. I recommend it highly and know there is such a need for help in prison fellowship. I know God is calling on me and my children to do this kind of work as a way to give back...to use this nightmare as a way to get stronger and help other people...people who know the same pain as we do. This whole thing wasn't for nothing if we can make a difference and help someone else.
To anyone reading my story, I pray for your healing. I pray that you will find hope in your heart, forgiveness, hold onto the love you have for your family member in prison. Treasure those letters with their handwriting on it, those phone calls with tears and smiles being shared, treasure your memories of happy times and your hope for more to come. And lean on God. He sees all. He knows what you're going through. He will work his miracles and see your through. He'll find a way when there seems to be no way. And remember....the courts may hand down their sentencing, they may clang the gates closed and keep us apart from our loved ones, but they can't change what's in our hearts or own what's in our souls. The people you love are always with you when you carry them inside and hold them close in spirit. No steel bars can come in between that.....god bless.
Diane Nichols
Email: Nichols.DN@aol.com
