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Voices From
Victims of Grief
Two years ago my husband and I moved as a result of my career and job opportunities. We had spent the year prior touring show homes and had built a new home in our new town. The move was difficult as Justin had children from a previous marriage, who lived with their mother, and were not moving with us. Over the years that I had been with Justin, we had the children a couple evenings a week and every weekend. Justin is a wonderful father and the children adore him. Shortly after moving, the children came to our new home for the summer and we couldn't have been happier. That's when our lives were forever changed.
One afternoon we received a phone call from the local police station asking for Justin to come down as there was a warrant for his arrest. Not knowing what was going on we made an excuse up and had the oldest daughter look after the younger ones until we got back. Justin was charged with sexual assault by a woman we had both known. He was released without bail and we spent the next 18 months working on his defense. We hired an attorney with 30 years experience in serious crimes who had a good reputation for keeping these things out of the press. I worked on the case more than Justin's lawyers and knew that he was innocent and that money from civil suits were the motivation behind all of this. I had been up to my eyeballs in police statements, witness statements and private investigator reports. In our minds, the facts were clear, justice would prevail and I had faith that the judicial system would find Justin innocent.
We were so convinced of this that we didn't delay our plans to start a family of our own and I was pregnant as we were preparing for trial. But two days before trial, Justin's lawyer told us that this would be an uphill battle and that he was concerned about the outcome. A guilty verdict would result in a minimum of 4-6 years in a federal prison. I couldn't believe my ears at all these months of work and it was coming down to this. I KNEW he was innocent, I was a witness but with no credibility in the courts because of my relationship. I couldn't believe that we had to actually entertain a plea bargain to minimize damage. A 4-6 year sentence would have been devastating to his relationship with the children, I would have had to sell the house that we had put so much time and energy into building, and Justin wouldn't know his unborn child until preschool. So what if he was innocent...4-6 years would do a lot of damage.
Justin took the plea bargain and was given a 2 year sentence. His full parole hearing is coming up and I can only pray that he will be home soon. But life without him, innocent as he is, has been so hard. He is in prison, regardless of the circumstances. The effects on a family are profound regardless if the inmate is guilty or not. Our daughter was born two months ago and he wasn't there. There have been so many "firsts" that he will never get to experience with her. The children would normally be here to visit and fill this quiet and empty home, but not this summer. I am barely keeping my head above water financially between house payments and keeping the maintenance payments going. The only people who know of our situation are my parents (who support Justin and his innocence 100%) and the ex-wife. I am a recluse. I want to socialize with nobody for fear that they will see right through my act and somehow know where Justin is. The few visitors that I've had at the house to see the baby have been limited to the daytime so that I don't have to explain where Justin is, they just assume he's at work. I have been on a steep learning curve about how all this works: phone calls (and their bills!), what is and is not allowed by mail, allowance he needs to buy all personal hygiene items and snacks, role of the case worker etc. He's at a facility 8 hours away which only allow 1/2 hour closed visits. Needless to say we have never gone for a visit because seeing the baby and I through glass would be just too painful.
What's even worse is that once pleading guilty you CAN'T claim innocence. You have to talk, act and give answers as though you are guilty and even I have to act as though he committed a crime which he didn't, when speaking to his case worker or when a parole officer interviews me. Claiming innocence just makes you look like you are denying responsibility and not rehabilitating which greatly reduces your chances of early parole. I am a single parent to a newborn, which is hard enough. It keeps me busy and a lot of times the days just fly by and I don't know where the time has gone. But when I am crying myself to sleep at night after I've gotten her to sleep, I am reminded of just how lonely things are without my soul mate. Sometimes when the baby is being really demanding, the lawn needs mowed, the garbage collected, the dog needs walked, one of the children's birthdays is coming up and the bills keep coming in, I am rudely reminded why it takes two people to do all this and one just isn't here.
The worst part about all of this is having no support or outlet for understanding. I can't tell any friends because of the stigma attached to this whole mess. I can scream till I'm blue in the face that he's innocent, but nobody will really believe me. I'm just the devoted wife, blinded by my love. I have to protect Justin's reputation so that when he returns home, nobody will know the difference. I'd rather everybody think that he's just working way too much overtime and being a workaholic dad than for people to know the truth. I am grateful for my parents support and would never discount that. But it's still hard because I don't like to lie and any time I run into people we know around town. Well, it's always only me with the baby and I have to lie about where Justin is or how he's doing or why we can't get together on such and such a night. I almost never answer the phone or the door so that I can just avoid everybody. I stopped going to church so that I wouldn't have to account for Justin once his absence got questioned.
I pray every night that the parole board will be convinced to give him an early release so that this nightmare will be over and we can start to have our life back again. But the effects of freedom on him after being incarcerated are going to be a challenge. His innocence does not protect him from the reality of being so restricted for months on end and I will be constantly on the look out for signs of depression and other negative reactions. Just because he's home doesn't mean it's all over. Unless you've been in these shoes, there is no way to understand all of this.
