Please Visit :
Voices From
Victims of Grief
Where do I start? February 12, 1995 I married the most wonderful man I could have ever hoped to marry. I had known Charles for 6 years by this time and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were soul mates. I had a 3 year old son at this time, but Charles never treated him as if he wasn't his son. We were a family and life was beginning to go in the right direction. We decided to have another child. Well it took us 2 years to be blessed with this child, but finally he was on the way. I was six months pregnant on August 9, 1997 at 8:27am when I received a collect call from my husband saying he had been arrested. I begged him to tell me he was joking. How could he do this to our family? What was I going to do? I had no job, no money, and a home that we had just moved into not to mention a baby on the way and a 5 year old in another room. What was I going to tell Jamie? I had so many emotions that very moment and had no clue what to do. For 2 weeks after this I had what I call "temper tantrums". Have you ever seen a six month pregnant women throw herself on a bed screaming and crying? Well that was me.
One day I decided that if we were going to survive this catastrophe I had to get it together. So in October of 1997 I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family so I could have support and strength to get me through. Charles needed me to be strong. He also needed to know that I was going to stand beside him through this. I visited him as much as possible. When he was in county jail we talked everyday on the phone sometimes more than once. Then he was transferred to TDCJ {Texas Department of Criminal Justice} and I haven't spoken to him on the phone in over 2 years. We write letters, send cards and try to make it from day to day.
Our boys are 8yrs old and 2 yrs old now and I feel like I just go through the motions from day to day. I don't feel like I'm alive anymore. At the beginning I thought the pain would go away and it was just time that we had to make it through. I know I love him and I don't want to spend my life with anyone, but Charles. How come the pain seems to hurt more now then it did at the beginning? It hurts because Charles is missing out on so much life. He is missing out on the boys growing up and that seems to be the hardest thing for me to live with. I have built these bars around my life and I keep hoping that the pain will go away. I do every bit of time that Charles does. I tell him that my heart knows nothing of time or distance and I mean it. We were involved in a marriage seminar in September of 1999 and it just reinforced the love we have for one another. It also reinforced the fact that we do not live under the same roof right now.
I pray everyday for God to help my family survive this pain. This has been the most excruciating thing I have ever had to do in my life and I wouldn't want anyone to go through this. I know that Charles and I will survive this temporary separation and until then I have our memories to keep me going and our boys to help me smile when I don't think I can.
